I have written many poems over the years. Many of the poems are concerned with love to a woman, but many are not. The influences of an era are important part of every poem. In a way, the poetry i have written is a chronicle of my mind and soul. What I felt and thought at different times. I still love to go through them and recall the days of their writing. Memories…
Yes, some of them make me wince in shame, but I liked every one of them at some point.
My very first attempts at poetry have been associated with Kathy, a classmate from grammar school. It has been purely platonic, unrequited love. Never did as much as hold hands. It has been last in a serie of similar relationships, each becoming more painful and desperate. No woman I have loved did love me back at that point. I was often down, my life has been pessimistic. I spent insane amounts of time closed down with only a computer.
My relationship with my sister changed sometime back then, we both became much more adult and we started to understand each other. Or at least it seemed so. And I have found a friend in Ildikó, who has been a librarian. There were my first steps as a wannabe poet, crushed by unrequited loves and difficult age. Many of the poems of this era are way overdone and I don’t really like them anymore, but they are part of me, as all my mistakes are. They are also marked by somewhat poor language skill (not that it got that much better, hmh?).
The following have been written at the edge of first and second era. I put them here, because I really didn’t know Darina when writing those and they were hardly influenced by her.
While the early poems were all concerned with romantic love, it didn’t take long till other topics crept in. Politics, war, purpose of life. Depressions, sadness. The poems were still English in most part and still marked by same problems as before. But there was a shift in direction anyhow.
Another person entered my life, Gabriel, a classmate. We wrote a few poems together. We became fairly good friends. Things became better.
And after that, an important breakthrough happened. My first real relationship has begun, something groundshaking for me. I have gradually fallen in love with Darina, who i met in the library, Ildikó (still my best friend at the time) gave me her phone number on Darina’s own request. We started to date and things were good. I was finally happy and i changed dramatically. My self-confidence went through the roof.
Of course, over time, things started to fade. Descended down from the highs of first requited love, usual depressions and unhappiness started again. It was not quite easy for Darina and cracks on our relationship began to appear quickly.
After a year, she broke up with me. That lasted for maybe a few weeks, month or so. And i won her back, because I was still in love, sort of, and I needed someone. I desperately didn’t want to return back to being alone. It was more needing someone than love, really.
Not long after that, I have moved away from the town of my elementary and grammar school years. I have started university in Brno, living in dorm, away from everyone. After another half year, I have grown dissatisfied with the relationship. Ildikó has been a fading memory since, as I basically didn’t meet her anymore.
A great coincidence brought me together with Elenna (Jitka) and a new era began. Around the same time, I have finally found a steady job, at Red Hat.
The Angel of Revenge
A Short Recipe (weird!)
Birth of a Poet
Blood and Tears *
Six Degrees *
The Border *
Trap / Pasca
The Tree *
A Dream of Reality / Sen o skutočnosti
Elenna (winter 2004/2005 - summer 2006)
In the wake of the relationship with Darina, a new one started. There were many joyful days with Darina, but in comparison to what we lived through with Elenna, those days faded. Elenna was the love of my life, with her, in the beginning, we were so high… As high I as ever was. And as down as I ever was. The most intense feelings in my life, I have lived through with her (or so I have used to think). I used to miss those days very much… But life goes on and keeps surprizing us.
Although the relationship started to stagnate, many things were good and nice. New things happened, we had great time with each other. I still dearly love some of the poems written in this time. And I dearly love the memories of many of the days of the period.
However, people hardly ever learn through happiness. And therefore, my evolution almost froze to a stop. Yes, most of the time, I was happy and all unrest was always quickly comforted by Elenna. Materially, I have been completely well off. Nothing at all pushed me to change. And therefore, my personality has started to stagnate and, in some respects, regress. And there started the downfall of my relationship with her.
And eventually, she parted. Like in the beginning, the feelings were insanely intense. I can’t recall anything like this in my life so far. Yes, it was bad when Darina broke up with me for the first time. But not nearly this bad. It was just like the overload with happiness at the start, I was overloaded with sorrow. All the feelings that were sleeping in me, lulled to sleep by long, stereotype relationship, with only little change… Everything woke up and tore me inside.
Hardship is what makes people good. Hardship is what drives people forward. And hardship came on me and drove me miles and miles ahead. All experience I have collected during the relationship with Elenna came on me. I have finally realized so many things.
Yes, long, steady, stereotypical periods of my life have been periods of stagnation. It took me two such periods to make me realize. And only the tragedy that Elenna’s departure was for me made it possible. Now I see the similarities of the two relationships, of their downfalls. And only now I have strength to change myself. Or so I hope.
Alone (summer - fall 2006)
I stand right at the beginning of this period. Nothing written yet, nothing done. Many changes ahead, many, many things. I need to learn, need to observe the world, need to soak in the sudden changes that happened at the end of the previous era. I am somewhat worried, but looking forward.
It didn’t really last long, not nearly as long as i have expected. And again, so many new things ahead…
Lucy (fall 2006 - )
And here it begins. No, I would have never believed that the past would this time be surpassed, and so I was wrong again. I have expected that I would be tired of life and unable to live through great emotions again. That I would be spent. But nothing like that happened, and here I am, at an overwhelming height of emotion. I am not sure it is even possible, or my own memory fails me, but everything seems yet higher than before, yet more intense. And more beautiful, calmer and very, very unreal.
The downfalls come again, but this time, they are shallower, and hurt less. She understands. I do not deserve her, but nevertheless, take all I can, egoistically. She believes it’s the other way around, but she’s all unreal, and this belief is just part of her self-deceit.